Blamers are people who are unwilling or unable to show empathy in situations which they find emotionally uncomfortable. They choose instead to pass their discomfort on by laying the responsibility (the blame) for the situation with others. They decide that ‘everyone else is wrong’, so leaving others feeling emotionally deflated.

What is going on with a blamer?

Blame is a coping strategy (albeit not a good one). They will blame others rather than acknowledge any frustration, hurt or disappointment which they are feeling (possibly even guilt) for their own part in a difficult situation.

Brené Brown explains this brilliantly, and with humour, in this 3 minute animation: Brené Brown on Blame.


How blamers are made

Growing up around blamers means someone will become habituated to being blamed for things that they didn’t do or for the unintentional consequences of things they did do. They will absorb the idea that they are ‘wrong’, that they are ‘bad. As a result, they may repeat the pattern of finding someone to blame for their unhappiness. That’s what they have learnt.

There is a better way

If any of this resonates with you, here are some ideas for you to try.

1. Sit with your emotional discomfort rather than pushing it away and look at the bigger picture .
2. Consider the emotions you’re experiencing.
3. What would your truest friend say to you about this? They might point out lots of different aspects to the situation – without apportioning blame.
4. Try using the 6 Column Thought Change Record to feel better about yourself, without the need to blame. You’ll find it’s easier to empathise with yourself and others

And the next time you’re with a blamer you can use your understanding to shrug off the feeling of somehow being ‘wrong’. You’ll also be able to empathise with their discomfort and, if feeling brave, suggest a new way of looking at the situation.

I have just published my FREE ebook ‘Do you get angry with yourself?: 5 ways to improve your relationship with you!‘.  If you would like a copy please click here